AFTER!

Control has been a key word in my life – the lack of it, the need for it, the feeling that I didn't have any of it and so desperately wanted it, but NO idea how to get it, or if it really was going to help me feel better.

I think I have mentioned before that I can't remember my first 8 years of my life, I praise the Lord for the brain that He has given us that protects us. He will heal what is revealed, and He has been revealing things, just pictures, here and there, ugly ones, but He has also been faithful to heal those traumas. These things have formed who I have been for the last 53 years (tomorrow I'll be 53). I HATE it! it has shocked me to discover all the things that I get mad at or get hurt or sad at, were attached to this control issue. I clung to people, tried to people please because of rejection, but this control issue has caused me to see things as horrible, that really are not. The offences that I have had were, largely, due to the fact that I was scared that I was being controlled, forced, no choice, which made me feel humiliated, foolish, rejected, stupid, and a whole lot more feelings.

I am facing something in my life that I absolutely have hated, in fact, if you had told me that I would have to accept it and learn that God IS in it, I would have said you were possessed and evil. Honestly, I would NEVER have "put up" with it before. HAHAHA, BEFORE!! I LOVE THAT WORD! I am in the AFTER! WOOHOOO!! haha, sorry, had to do it. BUT GOD! OH how precious and wonderful is He. It has been a 2 1/2 year process of fighting, fearing, anger, fierce hatred, questioning, but every time those huge feelings came I chose to give them to the Lord, I chose to keep loving and go back to the Lord. Where else am I going to go. What I am facing is nothing compared to the glory that is coming and the prize I will get to have when it is God's time.

As the Lord has cleaned out all the traumas, demonic strongholds that were in my body (yes, that CAN absolutely happen to a Christian, I have felt it. We cannot be possessed in our spirits because Jesus is there, but our body and soul can be oppressed.) and deep roots that needed to go, I have noticed a process happening. It was like this:

I would feel a HUGE feeling,

then we would face it together,

then he would heal/remove it,

and then practice.

When you have always been one way your whole life and now that trauma, feeling, that caused it has been removed, you are new and have NO idea how to be that person. So you get to practice, but now, I CAN react properly to situations that I couldn't before. Now, that thing in my life that I was reacting so badly to, can't affect me the same way. In fact, I truly praise the Lord for it – really – because it has been the catalyst in my life that has burned out every last bit of religion, fear of evil idols, not believing in people, not trusting that God has my back and the backs of those I love. It has even been the cause of trusting someone dear in my life, I may not agree with it, but I finally understand how to love, support, honor, without agreeing. Because I am SURE not God and He has so many amazing ways about Him.

The other day, after I had a bad reaction to this situation, I had given into hopelessness and despair, I KNEW that there was still a root that was in there causing me to react. Because I KNEW God had it, but I could NOT stop reacting, so I got in the car and went out to have it out with the Lord. OH MY DEAR precious Jesus and Papa God. He lets me scream it out with Him, he already sees my heart so just get it out, because then it is not poison in your soul. WOW – He showed me that there was another layer in there. I had felt that they didn't have control, they were being humiliated, forced and degraded by others, and that just crushed me. He showed me that was NOT the case – and that He was with them the whole time and they trusted Him completely. Papa God showed me that I am the same, I can't be hurt, controlled, or forced anymore. That I CAN completely trust Him, He has me too. He healed so much that morning – He was with me too, He has cared for that little girl so much and now she is free. I am free! Truth sets us free! Facing those things inside of me that cause me to react to things that bring truth and healing to me.

It does hurt, it is scary too because you are letting God, someone else, take control and since you have been hurt so much of your life, or you have made so many bad choices, added to the problems in your life, why would I believe He was going to do something different now. But He does, not because He has become more faithful, no, but because I have become submitted to Him totally. Proverbs 16:3 AMP "Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed."

Papa God is a gentleman, He won't force Himself on you, He loves you too much and He wants you to see that choosing to love and trust Him is SO worth it. I am becoming freer, which has allowed me to love myself and because I now love myself totally, I am free to love others, it is amazing.

Let go – He will meet you where you are, HE will do a little bit at a time, all you have to do is cry out to Him, scream to Him, ask your questions, stop and rest so you can feel His presence and hear His voice – and you MUST keep praising through it. I have, many times, been screaming in pain, bawling with fear and trauma, grief and loss, but my mouth is saying, "but I trust you God, I praise you, I trust you, I love you…" That, my precious brothers, and sisters in the Lord, is called a sacrifice of praise and WOW, the power that it has is beyond words.