My Best Laid Plans

Title is – “My Best Laid Plans”

You probably understand that title a little too well. No matter how you might finish the sentence, we all have a story about how our plans didn't go the way we wanted them to. We believed so strongly that it was God’s will for our lives, only to have it slip through our fingers.

I am a firm believer that,

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,

And He delights in his way. Though he fall,

he shall not be utterly cast down;

For the Lord upholds him with His hand.”

Psalms 37:23-24 NKJV

Psalm 139 tells us who we are, and that the Lord had a book about us before we were even born. He takes into account even our mistakes, they are ALL used for our good and His glory – we can’t miss Him. As Lisa Bevere says "He’s too big a target.”

Back to 2019:

When people began showing up at my home on Saturday the 19th, I was completely overwhelmed by the love that was poured on my family. My Pastor was the second person to arrive that morning, and when he walked in, I felt safe and protected. He has been a pivotal person in my life, who has helped me to become the woman that I am today. Troy, if you ever read this, I mean that from the bottom of my heart, and I truly thank you for your preaching, advice and love for me and my family. You and Teri will always be precious to me.

I had been sitting on the couch feeling numb, dumbfounded by the pending decision of whether to cremate or bury. I didn't have the funds for either one, and though we had talked about what I would do if He died first, I was still lost.

As I sat there praying, a friend of ours came in and gave me an envelope containing $800. Bill had been part of the security team at our church and those precious men pitched in together for my family. At the same time one of the associate Pastors brought information about a funeral home, including the cost of cremation, which was the amount I just received!

I praised, "Well, thank You, LORD!"

BUT GOD!!!

Let me explain that – "But God," Matthew 19:26 "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." I have seen the truth of that in my life in so many ways, so I just shorten that verse and others like it to, 'But God.'

Pastor had been outside learning details, and when he returned, he told me that an anonymous donor said that they "don't want money to be a deciding factor in whether they have a place to go visit or not." Pastor gently asked if we did feel the need for that, and immediately my daughter said YES! And that was it, all funeral expenses were covered, and that burden taken off my hands.

What only God can do!!

We did end up using that funeral home. It was the grace of the Lord because I was so fragile and easily hurt at that time, and they were such caring and loving people. They were perfect in their profession, walking me through that process one step at a time, waiting while I cried, explaining when I just didn’t seem to get it and giving me space and grace to make my choices. Their kindness was so precious to me, and in the end, they even gave me the copies of the death certificates for free.

What only God can do!

Something funny that makes me smile and laugh to this day:

Bill‘s favorite superhero was Batman, and he had always wanted to get a costume to wear for our daughter's Birthday parties. When it was time to pick out his casket, there was no question when I saw the black one, I knew that was it!

His closest friend since High School read a eulogy, pointing out that Bill was with the Lord. She said, “we know that Bill is not in the Millenium Falcon,“ (he loved Star Wars too,) “and we know that he is not in the bat cave.” At that point, I leaned over to my sister -in-law with a nudge, remembering that fancy casket and said, “he is now!” I hope that you are laughing as hard as I am. That is who Bill was, he SO would have laughed at that.

We never hid death from our kids, or each other; it is a fact of life and something to go THROUGH, not take us down. I love thinking of him like that. I have dealt with so much judgment and ugliness because of the choices I have made in my life (believe me, I know some of there were foolish). I have had friends stop talking to me and tell me that I hurt THEM during all of this. Sometimes I allowed it to make me believe that I was horrible, and maybe didn’t really love Bill, so this memory is a beautiful one for me.

On one occasion, when we were being excluded from something, he told me that it was ok, it was their loss and just let it go. He was confident in who he was, very comfortable in his own skin, and because of that he was able to love those around him. So many of his coworkers told me how much he helped them, and never made them feel less for asking for help. He never made them feel stupid because they didn’t know something, he loved helping and teaching.

I, in no way, hold bitterness about what happened back then. Besides the fact that I was in a fog, I am NO ONE to judge anyone, I did too much of that in my life “before,” and refuse to do it again. We all have a journey we have to walk, and I just want to love everyone and love the Lord, that is my life now.

The first few days brought many family members and friends to our home showering us with love and blessings. One of my friends let me borrow her car (Bill was in our good car when he died) AND gave me gas money, how amazing is that?

We belonged to a Baptist church (and how many know that Baptists love eating and providing food for any occasion), so my counters were covered at all times with snacks and necessities. There came a point that we had to ask people to not bring food for a couple of days because we had run out of room! It makes me laugh, and I remember smiling then too; at what a gift that was.

What only God can do!

I am the kind who needs the closure of seeing the body, seeing that they are not breathing. However, I had never seen my husband's lifeless body and had no idea if I would be able to handle it. I called the Medical Examiner's office to ask how bad it was, and they said that he looked 'pretty good, not bad at all,' so I thought, "Okay, I can do this."

On the morning that we were to go to the funeral home and see him for the last time, the director called me. He said, "Darcy, I really don't think that you should come see his bod. I have tried to cover up everything, but I just can't get that autopsy mark covered." (Because his death was part of a crime the autopsy was required.) He told me that he was trying so hard, but just couldn't seem to do anything to cover it and he really didn't think that I should see him that way. I didn't know what to do, I had always wanted others to make my choices, tell me what to do, but I couldn't this time.

As I shared the information with Sarah (my daughter), she said that she did not want to go, so I quickly prayed,

“Father, do I go?" IMMEDIATELY I heard in my head, "NO!"

“Okay Papa, but you have to take away this need that I have to go see his body,” and BAM, it was gone, that quickly. OH how much He cares for me!

What ONLY God can do!

On the day of his funeral, we had a small grave side service before we went to the church. I wanted to get the "ugly cry" part out of the way before we celebrated his life. I can’t remember what all was said, I just remember hearing and seeing people cry and it hurt me so much. I am thankful for the lapse in my memory, I am good with not remembering every detail.

We made our way back to the church, after we ate lunch, I made my way to the auditorium so I could be alone. I sat on the front row staring at his picture, my friend had made a 5' tall picture of Bill standing next to a storm trooper costume, ha-ha, it was great. I kept feeling like I needed to perform and cry, to feel something, but I didn't, I was just numb, and I truly didn't want to be there at that moment.

I walked out to the foyer and met Sarah, and before we realized it, people were starting to come. we separated, each one taking an entry door, and were blessed to get to hug almost everyone that came in, I remember I didn't cry for Bill or myself, but when I saw everyone coming in crying when they saw me, it broke my heart and I just wanted to comfort them.

I don’t know if you know how precious the Heavenly Father is, email me, I will tell you many more stories, and his love isn't just for me. hat was one of His biggest gifts to me. Getting to love on others and minister to them is restoration for my soul. My heart gets filled by being around people and this was the medicine that I needed.

That week has a lot of holes in it for me, I don't remember everything, but I remember feeling like my feet had never hit the ground. Father God carried me through everything and gave me what I needed, what was significant for ME and how I needed to handle things.

I don’t know what is going to happen to me tomorrow, or the next day, or even 5 years from now. I am not one that believes that I need to make specific goals for the future. I know the things I desire and what the Lord has shown me is mine, however the Lord tells us that there are enough troubles for TODAY.

I know how most of the world thinks, but I am very different, and I love it. I have grown so much over the years since Bill died, and I have finally learned to love myself, because we can’t love others until we know who WE are. We learn who we are when we draw near to the Father, He then draws near to us and teaches us who HE is.

You are precious in His sight, no matter what you have done, or how you think you have failed, HE says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says in Pslam 139 that HE knit you together, HE wrote a book about you, and HE knew you before you were even born. There is SO much we all need to learn that I don’t think we will ever stop, for eternity we will be learning of our Father.

God’s plan has always been to have fellowship with us, for us to be fruitful and multiply and to love each other and to Love Him. I have discovered that, though we may take detours here and there, HIS plans never change for us, and He waits patiently for us to walk with Him.

I have learned to surrender, to let Him strip everything off of me that is NOT fruitful. It has hurt tremendously, but it is SO beautiful on this side of the stripping. Vine dressers also prune those things that are producing fruit, so that they will produce more. There have been people and things in my life that have borne fruit, but are not for my next season, and that hurts, but is for my best.

I have also learned that the mystery is my friend, I praise the Lord for the paths I am on that I don’t understand at all. That is what is called sacrificial praise, and that is a beautiful offering to the Lord. Praise brings HIS presence, and I can’t live anymore without His presence.

God bless you in this day and this season. I promise He has you, just let go. Let go of You! Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.' If you are scared of losing, trying to grasp at people or things to keep you safe, secure, or wanted, those are the things that you need to turn over to God. I did that my whole life, I was co-dependent, grasping at my husband to fulfill me, my family, my church, everything else but God I tried to make them my supply, and they couldn't do it. No human can supply what we truly need, only God can.