Do I want control or REVOLUTION?

Revolution – "A total or radical change; as, a revolution in one's circumstances or way of living."

Control – "To overpower; to subject to authority; to counteract; to have under command. The course of events cannot be controlled by human wisdom or power."

This week has been a very emotional week for me. I had a dream about my dad, who passed away last year, and it was so real that it took me the rest of the day to get my mind to believe that he was not alive and I could not call him like I had in my dream. It was a gift from the Lord, I got to hear his voice. He told me, in his dismissive way, that he had a wonderful day and that he was doing good. I could see him like he was before he got sick and had to wear oxygen all the time. I also attended a memorial service for one of the most amazing women I have ever known, and boy, I am so happy for her, but it hurts.

Grief is stupid –

I have been told that statement by many people but did not really comprehend it until 2020. Grief pops up when you least expect it. Two months ago, I was traveling with a friend and sitting in a hotel having breakfast, when a song came on that Bill and I loved to sing together. I completely broke down and could not stop it, nor could I even talk, I was so shocked by it all. A sweet lady came by our table, obviously broken hearted for me, and with tears in her eyes asked if she could pray for me. I am not sure what she prayed because she was praying in Spanish, but it helped. It always humbles me and touches my heart when the Lord leads someone to pray for me.

At the start of 2020 I remember thinking, “I cannot be THIS person, I cannot possibly be the “W” word!" I did not want to hear it, I never wanted to say it and I certainly did not want to think about it. It must have been so hard for those around me to see me hurting. I know they loved me so much and just wanted to make me feel better. Except I just wanted to cry out, “I am not JUST a widow!!”

I did not enjoy going places with familiar people because of all the “sad eyes” (as I came to call them). I absolutely know and cherish how loved I am, and that so many people were concerned for me, but I was so hard to face. I wanted things to go back to normal! Joke with me, tease me, give me a hard time- ANYTHING but those eyes. I would see them talking to others, but when they turned to me, they became sad. I am a joker, sarcasm comes naturally to me, laughter is my lifeline and so of course, this meant that most people around me were like that too, until that moment.

Those wonderful people also loved Bill very much and were hurting as well because of his absence. Bill was part of the security team and would walk the halls of the church during a service to keep us safe. Many people who told me that he used stop and talk to them, that he gave great hugs, and that he was a great listener. He used to tease that he was known as either "Darcy's husband," or "Sarah's dad." I guess Bill had no idea the impact that he made on so many people, he was so unassuming.

God is in every detail of our lives that we let Him have control over, in the trivial things and the big ones and this next story is just one of the MANY that I have gotten to witness that in these last 4 ½ years.

Shortly after his death, I began to refer to the two distinct times as “before” and “after.” Before he died and after, it was easier on my heart to say it that way. We had purchased our first house in 2015 and we loved it. We had so many plans that we wanted to do with it one day and it was so much fun, until, after. My daughter and I had such a tough time being there, the weight was so horrible. We both wanted to leave the house, just walk away, but one realtor co-worker told us not to do that, to at least try to sell it. I did not want to make mistakes, so I decided to stay and give it time to see if I could heal enough to keep the house, to carry out the plans that Bill and I had made, before.

I cleaned out all that I felt I could part with, repainted things, got to buy new household items, and even prayed over it, saying, it is my house, not ours anymore. Nothing helped, the weight got heavier so in August of 2022, and I could not take it anymore, I had to sell. On September 27th of 2022 I stepped into my very own apartment, living alone for the first time in my 50 years of life. It was extremely hard, but the Lord was with me, and He spoke to me through the number of my apartment, 311. One of the meanings of this number is, “after!” How precious we all are in His sight.

There are so many things that I can share, and I will, but for now I am going to close. I have seen hundreds of miracles and touches from the Lord like that number on my door. It has shown me that my Heavenly Father wants to have control of EVERY aspect of my life, that He sees me so He can perform HIS plan, and I am letting Him. I don't want control anymore, I never really had it, but I just messed it up.

Because as 2 Corinthians 3:17 says “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom].” This is the amplified version; it gives the meaning of these words in more detail, and I love it. I want TRUE freedom in EVERY area of my soul. Like the Hebrews in the Bible, who, after God had told them it was theirs, had to take the promised land and conquer it, we need to allow the Lord to do that same thing for us. I want total Revolution – and I get to laugh so hard because I am seeing a whole new me.

I have found over these last 4 years of learning to surrender and standing strong in the striping, that I do not have to DO anything except surrender. I get to submit to HIS work, because I finally understand that NOTHING is in ME that can change me, except Jesus. I had begged, pleaded, and tried my whole life to overcome so many things in my heart and mind but never had success for long. Until now, now that Holy Spirit can work freely inside of me, to bring to life in me what Jesus paid for on the cross, it is so wonderful. Now that I have given control to the Lord completely. I struggle, but without faith it is impossible to please the Lord, so I get to go back to The Word and repeat truth to myself and to the Lord and I am refreshed.